Monday, May 11, 2015

Moronidae Abdominus


Give it to me straight, doc. It's bad, isn't it?

Well, there's definitely a problem. Tenderness. A bit of swelling. The early onset of some significant subcutaneous bruising. Does it hurt when I press here?

[unprintable response]

Okay. It’s near your appendix, but I don’t think that’s the issue. Appendicitis would have started closer to your navel, not there between your ribcage and right hip. It’s definitely too low for ulcers and I doubt that there's a blockage of any sort, especially if you’ve had a decent bowel movement recently.

It was the highlight of my morning.

Then this is something else.

You don’t think it’s… it’s…

Now, let’s not jump to any dire conclusions until we’ve explored all possibilities. Do you have any other symptoms?

None that I'm aware of.

I have an idea. Let's see your right hand. Yes. Look. Abrasions at the inside of the joint on your index finger and on the pad of your thumb. And do you feel that tightness in your forearm? Tell me. Have you been in or around Weldon, NC at any time in the past few days?

Actually, I was. Friday. How’d you know?

I thought so. It’s the epicenter of a nasty outbreak we’ve been seeing lately. I’m quite certain that what you have is something called moronidae abdominus (in layman’s terms, “striper belly”) and is caused by repeatedly grinding a 9wt's fighting butt into your midriff when leaning into big Roanoke River rockfish. You caught a lot of them, didn’t you?

As a matter of fact, we did. A lot.

Then that's definitely the problem. Thankfully, this affliction isn’t serious, though contagious as hell. I could give you a prescription for something called Tenkarin, but, honestly, it’s pretty lightweight and more effective on folks of delicate constitution. I think that if you just take it easy for a few days and limit your activities to, say, 3wts for bluegill or trout, you should recover quickly and be back to fighting real fish in no time.

Before the spawning run ends?

You can try. Let your pain be your guide.

It usually is, doc. It usually is.




14 comments:

Mike Sepelak said...

With the sincerest of apologies to my Tenkara-tottin' brethren. Tom, Mike, Mac, you know I still love you.

Arthur Ofieldstream said...

TOOOO funny Mike! Oh, if more aches 'n pains could be so easily identified and remedied. Once again showing that fishing truly IS the 'Center of the Universe'. But, we already knew that. Reminders are good. You take care of that 'condition'. And maybe you should try little of that Tenakarin. Might actually be a nice salve between rehab times. ;) - AOF

Mike Sepelak said...

No pain, no gain, Arthur. :-)

Kirk Werner said...

All hail the morning constitutional.

Mike Sepelak said...

All hail the morning constitutional.

Amen, brother. One of the most satisfying of simple pleasures.

Patrick Franzen said...

Man strange, I got mine in my hip not my ribs. And I would agree definitely contagious as hell.

Mike Sepelak said...

I'm shorter than you, Patrick. :-)

Gramps (Mel) said...

Hey, Mike, just wanted to let you know that I loved this post.... I really enjoy a good sense of humor! Must be tough going through what you are feeling.

Me, I am the fisher of small Bluegill and smaller trout!

Capt'n Preston McQueen said...

Good one! Another symptom is Skin-a-oucha Thumbolina, in laymen's terms, the skin is torrr up on my thumb from lipp'g dem big fishes :-)

Mike Sepelak said...

Nothing wrong with bluegill and trout, Mel. It just takes a mental changing of gears after pulling on the beasts.

They're hard on the body, no doubt, Preston.

Howard Levett said...

Thankfully I never catch big fish. I don't think my heart could take it.

Mike Sepelak said...

It's definitely good cardio, Howard.

jean-paul Buttigieg said...

Really funny Mike.I've already told you you're a very talented writer and photographer...I fished a small stream last week an wondered if it wouldn't be a good idea to buy a tankara rod LOL...may do it...JP

Mike Sepelak said...

Go for it, JP!